Axel's Worst Nightmare
by Neassa
Summary: [Oneshot!] WARNING! This oneshot contains massive ammounts of superglue, evil, living pancakes, Luxord watching Oprah, and the reason why Roxas' hair is so spikey! Scared yet? You should be. Yes, this is what happens when Axel has a bad day. Please R&R!


Neassa: Yes, this is what comes out of my head when I'm bored and sick in computer class. Read if you dare, but if you do, please review! ... Hey! That rhymed!

On with the one-shot!

* * *

Axel was having a bad day.

It hadn't even started well! He woke up and his covers were gone, having been kicked onto the floor during the night. He shivered and then got out of bed, shivering still. It didn't work well; he tripped and fell almost instantly. He groaned and stumbled into the bathroom.

He grabbed the faucet to turn on the hot water, a cold substance oozing between his fingers. Confused at this prospect, he tried to remove his hand from the knob. It wouldn't budge. He grabbed it with his other hand, the oozy substance attaching to it as well. It was only then that his sleep-deprived mind registered that this curious substance was superglue. He also realized who put it there.

"DEMYX!!!!!!" Axel thundered, his face getting almost as red as his hair with rage. Honestly, burn that guy's song book to ashes _one time_ and he swears everlasting revenge on you!

Demyx opened the door, "Yes?"

"Get this stuff offa me!" Axel started tugging against the superglue.

"Um..." Demyx seemed to think about it, "No." And with that he took a camera from behind his back and started snapping pictures to sell on eBay. That'll teach Axel to steal his song book!

"Demyx..." Axel growled, his face glowing as red as the fire he manipulated. His anger caused his body temperature to rise and the superglue to begin to melt.

When Demyx realized that Axel was beginning to get free he had but one thing to say.

"Uh, oh."

And then he took off running, Axel was chasing after him in seconds, melted superglue clinging to his hands. When Axel realized that there was no way he could catch Demyx in his half asleep state, he yawned and went back to his room.

Splashing some water on his face after checking to make sure all of the superglue was gone, Axel found himself wondering whose turn it was to cook breakfast today. He hoped it was Xigbar. The Freeshooter may have lost his eye by running with something sharp and pointy, but he could make unbelievable pancakes. Granted, he rarely made them, and, when he didn't, what he did make was inedible, when he did make them Axel and every other nobody in the castle practically died of happiness.

In fact, Xemnas had once wanted to appoint Xigbar official cook, but that idea died when Roxas started having seizures on the kitchen floor after being the brave one and taking just one bite of whatever it was that Xigbar had tried to make for dinner one night. No one knew what it had been, even to this day.

Roxas hadn't eaten anything except sea-salt ice cream since then, and whenever he saw Xigbar anywhere near the kitchen he would scream and start pelting him with holy water.

When Xigbar had finally gotten fed up with this treatment he hired Larxene to send an electric current through Roxas' holy water supply.

What? You didn't think his hair was like _that_ naturally did you? And don't even get me started on Sora...

Roxas wouldn't go near The Melodious Nocturne for about two months after that, causing the water elemental to be rather forlorn because Roxas was the only person he could compete with in DDR and everyone needs their daily DDR competition in addition to three square meals a day! Also a side of sarcasm and an extra order of humor.

After pulling on his cloak and boots, Axel managed to stumble down to the kitchen, only to find everyone looking at expectantly him the moment he walked in.

"What?" He asked, annoyed by this behavior.

"Number II is assigned to cook breakfast today-" Xemnas began to inform him.

_What?! YES!!!! Happy day! Hold on my lovely pancakes! I'm here to drown you in syrup and welcome you with open arms and an empty stomach-!_

"- but-"

_'But'? No 'but's! I want my pancakes!_

"- Xigbar has a mission today, so he cannot provide breakfast." Xemnas finally finished his sentence.

Axel blinked, "And you're telling me this why?" Oh, sure. He was calm on the outside, but his mind was a wreck.

_NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

See?

"Because it has been unanimously decided that you will cook breakfast instead."

Axel's jaw nearly shattered as it hit the tile of the kitchen floor.

_Whoa! Rewind! Back up!_

"_Say again?!_" Axel squeaked.

Xemnas shrugged, "Whenever it was your turn to cook you would make up some excuse not to, therefore you're cooking now."

Axel waved both hands in front of him, as if to ward off the thoughts of such things, "No-no-no! You don't want me to do that, it's a bad idea, very bad idea-!"

"Oh, suck it up, firebug!" Larxene demanded from the table, "Food! Now!"

Axel twitched at the nickname, "Why don't you make me?"

When Larxene pulled about twenty kunai out of her sleeves, Axel 'Eep!'ed and ran into the kitchen. Locking the door securely behind him, Axel looked around the kitchen and ran a hand through his ruffled neon red hair. Apparently whoever had gone shopping had known Xigbar was cooking the next day and had piled all of the different pancake mixes he could fit into the kitchen.

Axel went through his options in his head.

_Oh, well._

Axel took a bowl out of a blinding white cabinet that had roses carved into the wood, Marluxia's work no doubt.

_How hard could it be to make pancakes?_

_

* * *

A sign comes onto the screen and that announcer guy from Spongebob adjusts his glasses as he reads from his script._

_"TWENTY MINUTES LATER."_

* * *

The Organization looked at their plates. They had no idea what Axel had given them, but they were pretty sure it wasn't edible.

(Roxas had long since retreated into the living room, seasalt ice cream in hand, so he was not present. Demyx, also, was not present as he was hiding in the cabinet under the stairs, fearing Axel's wrath.)

Lexaeus decided to be the brave one and poke the black, charcoaled lump with his tomahawk.

The lump didn't like that very much.

"RAHR!" The lump chomped the tomahawk, acid oozing around the bite, making a clean cut. Lexaeus took one look at the bite through his tomahawk and promptly fainted.

Axel poked his head out of the kitchen when he heard the thud and saw everyone staring at the 'pancakes' (coughyeahrightcough) apprehensively. Now that just wouldn't do! He worked hard on those pancakes.

He tapped a wooden spoon into the palm of his open hand, "Why aren't you eating?"

Vexen looked at the lump interestedly, "Interesting, do you mind if I take this to my lab for examination, Superior? It will be interesting to discover how a living organism can be born from pancake mix."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!" Axel's body was incased in fire as he grabbed the front of Vexen's collar and hauled him up to eye level, "You are going to eat every bit of the pancake and you are going to like it!"

"B-but," Vexen protested, the fire's heat was too much, even for the Chilly Academic and he began to sweat profusely, "IT'S ALIVE!" The lump looked like it was tying to figure out the best way off the plate and go eat the rest of Lexaeus' tomahawk.

Axel calmly set the lump on fire and watched as it slid/ran around in circles on the table, waving its stubbly-like arms and squealing a high pitched noise, before calmly stabbing its head with the wooden spoon and scooping what remained onto Vexen's plate, "Now it's not."

Vexen (and everyone else for that matter) looked absolutely horrified, "Axel, you can't seriously expect me too...?" He trailed off uncertainly.

Axel smirked, handed Vexen a fork and went back into the kitchen, five seconds later there was a thud followed by cries of, "Call the fire department!", "Call poison control!", and (Axel's personal favorite,) "Call Oprah!"

Apparently Luxord thought a good episode of Oprah fixed everything.

Axel sighed and looked at the mess the kitchen was, soot was everywhere, smoke filled the ceiling, and yet, Axel couldn't bring himself to fix/clean everything. Instead, still being hungry himself he stole over to the freezer, looked about with shifty eyes, reached inside and pulled out a ice cream bar, wrapped in white plastic paper.

He looked at the bar and appeared to reconsider, but then his stomach growled and all hesitations were erased from his mind, Roxas would never know, right? It's not like he counted the endless boxes or anything. Axel licked his lips and took a bite of the bright blue ice cream bar.

* * *

Roxas poked his head into the cabinet under the stairs, "So you see, Demyx, that's how I know that I have exactly 1,102 seasalt ice cream bars in the freez-" Roxas was cut off the exact instant Axel took a bite and he fell to the floor, having a seizure, quickly followed by a minor heart attack.

Demyx stared as Roxas twitched on the floor slightly, and knew the cause (not as dumb as everyone thinks, eh?). He swore revenge on Axel (again) for incapacitating his DDR partner and began to plot an evil plan, leaving Roxas to twitch on the tile.

* * *

Axel whistled jovially as he stepped over the twitching bodies on the dining room floor. He opened the door to the hallway and knew something was horribly wrong.

It was quiet.

_Too_ quiet.

Granted, the hallways were usually quiet, but this was one of those Old-West-This-Town-Ain't-Big-Enough-For-The-Two-O'-Us silences and Axel raised and eyebrow as the tumbleweed rolled by. Axel looked around for the source of the tension and, seeing no one, attempted to shrug off the feeling and began walking towards his room.

The silence was short lived as a cry of, "Dance, Water, Dance!" echoed through the halls. Axel turned as the sound of rushing water came from behind him and even his hair paled to a drastic pink color when he saw a tidal wave bearing down at him and Demyx on the top of it, wearing swim trunks, riding on a surfboard, and franticly strumming chords on his sitar to make the water keep its shape.

Axel screamed in a way that would make a dog want to chew off it's ears and took off running through the castle, Demyx and his wave of terror not too far behind.

* * *

Luxord was sitting in the living room surrounded by used tissues and pulling another one out of the box as Oprah came on screen again, "Oh, what a sad story!"

Larxene walked behind the couch, then walked backwards and did a double take. Then she stuck abut six kunai through the TV screen.

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!" Luxord wailed, falling to the floor, "How does it end?! Do Charlotte's parents accept her for who she truly is? Now I'll never know."

Larxene shook her head and left him crying on the floor, "You're a sad, strange, little man."

Whoever knew Larxene was a fan of 'Toy Story'?

* * *

Anyways, back to Axel and Demyx.

Well, as we join them Axel is clutching onto the top of a light post in the castle's courtyard, holding on for dear life as water quickly filled the courtyard beneath him. Something you need to understand about Axel right now is that he had previously survived a case of rabies. How he survived no one knew, but Demyx still held pictures of him foaming at the mouth as blackmail.

As a side-effect of the rabies, however, Axel had a mild case of hydrophobia, he could drink water and take showers, sure. If he couldn't that would just be nasty. But stick him on a beach and he is prone to any/all of the following symptoms: Incoherent speech, massive involuntary nervous reactions (twitching), seizures, passing out and only waking up when a passing two year old had completely buried him in the sand right before the tide came in, etc, etc...

Axel heard a voice and looked up in horror as he saw Larxene standing on a balcony and looking down on him and Demyx.

"This is payback for those 'pancakes', Axel!" Larxene shouted, throwing a kunai at him.

"Eep!" Axel let go of the light post on instinct so his fingers wouldn't be shish-kebabed, but didn't take into consideration the laws of gravity.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111one!" Axel shouted as he plummeted towards the deep, dark, waters of his worst nightmare come to life-

* * *

Axel shot up in his bed, still screaming. He was drenched in a cold sweat and when he realized he wasn't going to die at the hands of Demyx, he ran a hand through his hair and tried to calm his nervous breathing, "It was just a dream..."

He shook his head and climbed out of bed, tripping and falling flat on his face two inches from the bathroom door, he then attempted to turn on the water to the faucet, but a cold substance oozed between his fingers.

"DEMYX!!!!!!!!" It was then that the deja vu attacked and Axel paled to a sickly white color.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

Neassa: Yeah... I'm pretty sick. Stupid cold. But I'm glad with the way this turned out! And I've only seen one episode of Oprah in my life so if the facts are off, that's why. PLEASE REVIEW!!! 


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